Bad days

Today is a bad day for my hubby. I can tell after he wakes up. Bad days don't change into good days for him. He struggles everyday just to move. People would be surprised to know just how much his brain injury damaged his memory and mental state. He doesn't just have one or two mental illnesses. He has a total of five. Sure there is medicine. Though medicine may manage one mental illness, it causes so many other side effects. One would think, by now, the big pharmacy companies have that down to a science. Ha! Mental health medicine is usually found after the medicine was developed for a completely different issue.

When someone is having a bad day from mental health, you can't say " Oh, keep your chin up. It will get better if you don't wallow in it." You can't force your postivity on them either. Because this is their life, not yours. You may be happy to hear those things and they uplift you. For someone that's going through a struggle, it's more depressing than helpful.

Brain injury victims, for the most part and from what I have experienced, are emotionally delayed and can't exactly explain why they feel so bad. It takes a bit for him to process what's going on. He can't explain to me, in the moment, how exactly he feels. As a caregiver, what do you do?

You listen. Eventually, they will talk. This is very opposite of what I want to do. My first instinct is to  ask question after question because I want to help make him feel better immediately. This approach backfires as it makes him feel cornered. We can't make them talk. We can't fix or help them through every bad feeling they have. Sometimes we just have to be still, be silent, and wait.

Try to help them remember a good memory. Simple as it is, a cassette player did the trick the other day. My hubby has tons of tapes. Since that method of music is almost obsolete, cassette players are difficult to find. A few weeks ago, he found some in storage that he wanted to listen too. I found my 20 yr old tape player but it didn't work. So, I found one on Amazon. When he opened up the player and put a tape in, his face was priceless. You would've thought it was Christmas. I hadn't seen him smile like that in forever. Since music is his link to good memories, that cheap little tape player is his most prized possession right now.

Here's a good read: Brain Injury Is....

Dates & Grieving

Have you ever noticed how we subconsciously know when an anniversary of a tragic date is about to occur? Every year, since April 8th of 2009, my family grieves over the date my husband suffered a traumatic brain injury. My daughter, husband, and myself grieve over the person he once was and who he use to be. I believe that when someone is severely injured, it is as if their former self died. So, we grieve for that former self every year on the anniversary of what happened to us.

This can also be anniversary dates of loved ones who have passed. My mother passed in 2014. I don't even have to remember the day as my body just knows. I can physically feel the date approaching in my heart. Even though, my brain may be on auto pilot and not think of the date.

How does this happen and is there a way past this?

I think this statement is true and I will tell you why.

Today, a friend of mine posted a facebook post calling us to action. She asked us to share our story by creating our own blog. I've had this blog for two years now. Though, I have never published it. I thought, "Why bother. No one will care what I have to say." Today I changed my mind. After I posted my comment on my friend's post, it dawned on me. It's been 5 days since the anniversary of my husband's "almost" death. Wow! I didn't even realize it. Every year the date approaches, I grieve and stress as if I am waiting for this horrible mountain to be moved. This year, I didn't remember.

So, you may say..so what? Well, this is a small victory. I believe everyday we learn how to live with the pain of grief. Everyday, we heal and it hurts less. Of course, there are days it all comes crashing down on top of us. But, that's normal. That is how you grieve. You don't forget. You just learn how to live.

I no longer want to wait for the anniversary of what once was. I want to move forward and live with what will be. Living in the past isn't the answer. You can't change what has happened. All you can do is live life ..one second..one minute..one hour..and one day at a time  😁❤